Divorce. The ugly d-word. Why in the world would I share this today on my travel/dog centered blog? Well, because it was on my heart to share and I want you to know the real me. I was divorced twice before I turned 30 (yes, twice).
I hope this helps someone feel a little more normal. Mostly, I hope this helps people understand what Today I want you to think of someone you know who is going through this or has been through this recently and really think about if this is how they may be feeling right now.
#1. You are not damaged goods.
After my second divorce, I was absolutely positively sure that no one would want me because I was now considered ‘damaged goods.’ I was also absolutely positively sure that I would become a crazy old cat lady for real. My friends told me I was crazy and dudes wouldn’t think that at all, but I’m headstrong and I didn’t believe them. Finally, after about a month of dating, I asked my now-husband “You aren’t concerned about the fact that I was married twice before?” He was so confused. “Why would that matter to me?” he said. Turns out, he thought I was crazy too. He was not afraid of me whatsoever.
#2. You may not feel like they do in the movies.
I had this idea of divorce that involved depression and eating ice cream in bed for days. I blame the movies for this. My divorces were nothing like this. In fact, both times I was much happier about where I was at!
My emotions manifested in different ways. I had terrible anxiety after my second divorce because I was afraid of being alone at night. I had never had this problem previously, but it definitely manifested in my new apartment. It was not a great area and I would get up multiple times during the night to look out the peephole and windows of my apartment to see if anyone was outside. After a few months, the anxiety subsided, but just be advised that you may do things or be afraid of things you never thought you would be afraid of.
#3. It is lonely.
Sometimes you’ll find yourself sitting on your son’s bean bag drinking $5 wine because your couch hasn’t been delivered yet, and that is OK! You drink that wine and watch Jane the Virgin, honey, because your kiddo isn’t home and, by god, you can.
Seriously though, there will be nights where you question what you will do next. You will finger tap on your side table wondering if it will ever be YOUR bedtime. Yes, you might not miss the person you left, but you do miss having someone there. It’s a feeling you just don’t fully understand unless you’ve been divorced.
#4. It is expensive in ways you don’t expect.
Yes, you have to pay your portion (or all?!) of the lawyer fees, but divorce is costly in other ways. You will have to remember that you need a new comforter, a new bath mat, and trash cans! Those sneaky trash cans. If you’re lucky you get the big TV and some of the furniture. However, you still might find yourself in a rent-to-own store buying a couch on their floor so you don’t have to spend another night on the floor in your son’s beanbag. I’m just saying… from experience.
#5. It’s awkward changing your name back.
There’s nothing worse than going to the DMV, but if you are changing your name after a divorce you might as well file that task under ‘brutal’. If you live in a small town, not only will you probably know the person who is doing the name change, but then they’ll likely ask you the question you dread the most at the moment: “what happened?” Ugh. Just know that you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, especially not that nosey DMV lady!! All anyone needs to know is that it didn’t work out. If you’re really friends with someone, they know you’ll open up when you’re ready and are okay with the response “I’m just not ready to talk about it.”